Motherhood is a calling. Not an accident.

For some, it comes naturally, while others may have to fight tooth-and-nail to make it work for them.

I used to dream of becoming a mother. I dreamt of having a large house, full of pattering feet and tinkling laughter. Then I lost my first baby. Then my second. With anger in my heart, I fought past my grief and God blessed me with the most perfect baby. I may still harbor that incomprehensible fear in my head, preventing me from taking that plunge again, but my heart knows that His plans are always the greatest ones.

Many people misunderstand when I say that I don’t have the desire to become pregnant a fourth time. They think I am just selfish. “Give your son a sibling, someone to share this life with!” They say. And while they have many valid points, they are not me. They dont know the fear that comes with 9 months of not knowing if you will give birth to a live baby, a perfect baby. I may not have the desire to nurse another baby for two long years, or to share my bed with a toddler for four longer years! Yes we live and learn from our first child what to do and not do.

But my son is not a guinea pig! He was carefully planned, time after time after time. He was a perfect gift from God. A seed planted in my heart two long years before he entered this world. A test to my faith day after day. God and I fought hard to keep that seed of hope alive, and we still do every day. Motherhood is hard. We need grace and hope and faith. Grace from God is given unconditionally, but we also need it from our family and especially from our children. We’re not perfect! Just as they are learning to control and express their emotions, so are we. And together, we are learning how to be mother and child. We need hope to wake up and do it all again tomorrow, better. And faith that we’re doing it “right”. Not it’s not easy. But it is perfectly imperfect. Just as we are.

Motherhood is not an accident. God called me to be the mother of this little boy. He entrusted me to love, nurture, shelter and protect His child. I fail every single day. And every single day, I am given the chance to redeem myself. And for that I am so grateful. To breathe fresh air every morning and work harder in my motherhood. To joyfully serve my family.

If you’re a mother, you know what I mean be servanthood! In CVS recently, when asked to hold something, my son loudly declared “Mom, I’m not your servant.”! How often do you think he’s heard those words fly out of my mouth?! I am trying to teach him responsibility and independence, not that servanthood is a bad thing. I love serving my Lord, by serving my family. But I do have to remind myself on almost a daily basis that what I am doing is not going unseen or unappreciated. Because God called me to this position. He created this role just for me. He gifted me these people. And although being the mother of one child may seem so uncomplicated to some, it’s perfect for me. It’s enough for me.

So if you find yourself struggling to be thankful for your motherhood this season, look around. See those 200 hot wheels strung out across your family room surfaces doing stunts and having collisions? All the while knowing that you have more hidden away for Christmas that he doesn’t need! Knowing that you will be responsible for helping put them all away again before bed so you don’t step on one of those demons in the middle of the night! Know this: God gave YOU this child, or these, if you have multiple children. He called YOU to your motherhood. Because He knows you are the perfect person for the role.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1. John 4:18